mali

joão olha para a sala sem tapetes, que o pai tinha estado a aspirar, e pergunta muito indignado: 'quem arrumou isto tudo 'mali'?!?

desde 2012 a zelar pela nossa casa.

boa semana. 

boa noite, durmam tudo

hoje percebi que uma das minha 'tarefas' preferidas de mãe é ir dar-lhes um beijo de boa noite antes de me ir deitar. 

é a última coisa que faço antes de ir para a cama, todos os dias, sempre, sem falhas. acho que é um dos actos de afecto mais bonitos e carinhosos que podemos ter com os nossos filhos, tapá-los, aconchegá-los, pôr o boneco preferido mais perto ou posicionar melhor a almofada. e dar um beijo naquelas bochechas mornas e suaves, ouvi-los respirar, serenos, imaginar-lhes os sonhos e desejar, do fundo do coração, que durmam bem, que durmam tudo. 

a preparar as vindimas

hoje começam as vindimas. 

vão ser mais ou menos dois meses exigentes, desafiantes no mínimo, de mãe solteira.

espero ter capacidade e serenidade para os atravessar sem (grandes) sobressaltos, com poucos gritos, sem palmadas ou castigos, com muitas gargalhadas, toneladas de mimo e centenas de momentos especiais. 

ontem fomos fazer uma espécie de despedida do pai-disponível. fomos aos parque dos piratas e jantamos pizzas. 

lá para outubro podemos repetir. 

life with the third child

If you've come here in a moment of indecision and want to find an answer to your should we/shouldn't we dilemma, I'll be frank with you: the third child is pure joy.

I had so many reservations about having a third child and at every available opportunity I would ask mothers-of-three what it was really like. I blogged about it and received an overwhelming response and then I spent another few months working through my worries and letting go of my fears. I always knew that the leap from two to three would be a big one, based largely on the fact that Daniel and I were going to be outnumbered. And on days when the washing pile was daunting and my work emails were out of hand I was adamant that I was done with babies - fleeting, obviously.

Percy is now five months old, I'm officially back to work and the house is plodding along nicely. And while I could tell you about just how busy life with three is I would be lying if I didn't mention that it's good - really, really good. Regardless of thework of motherhood there are moments like this that tug at the heart and plant themselves firmly in my mind; beautiful memories made.

I'm not alone in thinking this, either. I had coffee with friends last week and three of us sat there bouncing a third-born on our lap. We spoke of the postpartum body, sleepless nights, tiredness, washing - all that stuff. But then we agreed that the angst we experienced in early motherhood didn't make an appearance with the third child. There's an element of calm that accompanies the third baby; you know just how fleeting babyhood is so you allow yourself the time and the space to soak it all in. You're also well-trained at turning a blind eye to the intricacies of housework and more willing to embrace the fact that good is good enough. As for the exhaustion - you're well and truly accustomed to it third time around.

But I'm all for complete honesty so here's a few things to consider if you are contemplating a third child:

> invest in a washing machine with a super quick cycle. I recently upgraded to an 8kg frontloader and it has both a 15min and 30min cycle. It has made the humdrum of washing so much quicker and easier. And yes, the amount of washing is unbelievable.

> declutter while you're pregnant. It's not everyone's priority but if you can embrace the attention to detail that accompanies your nesting inclinations, do so - it makes home life that much easier once baby is here. Basically, find a place for everything and put everything in its place.

> prepare meals in advance and remember that breakfast for dinner is always a good option.

> acknowledge that the first few months will be as beautiful as they are challenging; that phase of adjustment can be tricky. Be patient, take it one day at a time.

> drink coffee.

> embrace the crazy and know that there will be many, many times when all three children are whinging/crying at once. In this instance, laugh at the madness or cry along with them.

já enviei este texto ao marido para ele pensar no assunto com carinho.

1ª semana longe de mim

na semana passada o joão ficou com os avós paternos. uma semana inteira, sim, pela primeira vez. 

já tinha ficado longe de mimum fim-de-semana no primeiro ano, depois meia semana no segundo ano e desta feita, por insistência do pai - que diga-se usou a minha sensibilidade hormonal, que só tenho quando quero, também é verdade.

ele puxou do argumento do meu regresso ao trabalho - sim, passados 8 meses, voltei (assunto para mais tarde falar), juntou-lhe a entrada do mini na escola, do tempo para nos organizarmos e da necessidade alérgica do miúdo fazer praia. sim, tem, aliás teve razão, era o que fazia sentido.

quando o deixámos no domingo, achei que ia fazer um drama, ele, não eu e foi um bocado ao contrário. ele ficou sossegado ao colo da avó e eu comecei a chorar por trás dos óculos escuros. estava meio apreensivo mas não fez fita. um orgulho!

passou lindamente a semana, sempre que falava ao telefone com o pai perguntava logo por mim e pelo irmão e os relatórios diários foram relativamente completos.

a semana passou a correr, de repente não fizemos nada do que tínhamos planeado, como ir ao cinema e ir jantar fora... que galo! o pai estava mal do estômago e da garganta e o mini apanhou uma gastroentrite logo na 4ªfeira. argh... já tinha escolhido o filme e o restaurante e nada de nada.

só no sábado tive 'autorização' para ir comer fora e só no nesse dia fizemos alguma coisa de útil lá em casa. deu um acesso de dona-de-casa ao pai e toca de arrumar e despachar os últimos caixotes e fazer as últimas mudanças. e eu a pensar que ia a correr buscar o tuca, toma lá, que vais acartar uma cómoda pelas escadas acima!

bom, no domingo lá fomos e eu estava ansiosa, confesso, muito ansiosa para ver a reacção do joão.

quando me viu abriu os olhos, sorriu, começou a correr para mim de braços abertos, lançou-se para o meu colo e agarrou-me com força. cheirou-me, olhou-me, voltou-me a agarrar e a olhar. parecia que estava a verificar se era mesmo eu. aninhou-se no meu pescoço e deixou-se ficar. assim, calmo, sereno mas muito feliz. e eu senti-me a pessoa mais importante e feliz deste mundo e de todos os outros mundos. foi das melhores, mais fortes e mais compensadoras sensações que tive. 

não chorei. consegui absorver tudo e guardar para sempre.

o mini quando viu o irmão ficou de olhos arregalados, a ver o nosso reencontro e a sorrir. diz o pai, porque eu só tinha olhos para o joão. 

o que concluo desta experiência é que o ditado popular 'longe da vista, longe do coração' é extremamente verdadeiro.

empatia

We all want our kids to be happy. And happiness is something the Danes have supposedly figured out, with research consistently showing that residents of Denmark are among the happiest in the world. So, it’s not a huge surprise that an article we published on Danish parenting tips has proved to be one of our most-read. Due to this popularity, we decided to do a deep-dive into some of the bigger philosophies rooted in Danish culture with The Danish Way of Parenting authors Jessica Alexander and psychotherapist Iben Sandahl leading the way. Last month we discussed the power of play-based parenting, and this time around we’re talking to the authors about the Danes’ belief in the importance of teaching children the concept of empathy.

Tell us how you define empathy.
“Empathy is the ability to recognize another’s emotions or more simply put—being able to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. America is much more individual based. Being a winner and striving to be the best are very normal goals for us. This equates to success and I don’t think we really question it. It is just part of our culture. Winning means a lot. Perhaps one of the major differences between Denmark and America is that Danes value teamwork much more than striving to be a star. And with that, they actively teach empathy.”

How does practicing empathy connect to overall happiness?
“All the latest neurological research shows that humans get more happiness from cooperating with others than from winning alone. Scientists have discovered ‘the social brain,’ which lights up to show that we are driven by something beyond self-interest: We are driven towards social connectedness. Caring relationships are one of the biggest predictors of happiness, well above money. It used to be believed that humans were innately selfish, but that is simply not true. We are all wired for empathy from birth. We just have to learn how to connect the wires to make it work. Being able to better trust and understand others are keys to achieving more happiness. And kids can be taught this.”

How do Danish parents teach this?
“The Danes teach empathy in schools, which is quite special. Empathy is such a big concept and it is taught in so many different ways for different ages. Three examples would be language choice, letting children self-regulate, and reading a wide range of stories.”

Tell us about that first concept: Using language choice to teach empathy.
“The first thing that is crucial to remember when teaching empathy is that our children are mirroring us. The kind of language we use is so important. How do you describe others? Are you understanding or judgmental? Tolerant or shaming? These are all things children are copying. Talking badly about others in front of kids and saying things like ‘She is mean,’ ‘He is selfish,’ ‘She is so annoying’ is not empathic language because it isn’t recognizing the emotions behind the action—it’s labeling. In Denmark, you almost never hear parents talking negatively about other children in front of their children. They are always trying to find ways to get their children to understand another child’s behavior without a negative label. If you remember that all children are fundamentally good and there is a reason behind all behaviors, this helps us naturally find the good in others. This makes us feel better because it teaches ‘reframing’—another Danish Way concept that improves happiness. We can help our children find the reasons behind the labels ‘He is annoying? Do you think maybe he is hungry? Or could he be tired because he missed his nap? You know how it feels be to be hungry and tired, right?’ ‘She is mean? It sounds like she had a bad day at school. The other day you said she was sweet. She is actually sweet, right?’ Helping children understand the feelings behind behaviors and leading them to a kinder conclusion is teaching empathy. It operates on the same neural pathway as forgiveness and it fosters more trust, cooperation, and a much better sibling relationship if you have more than one child. And don’t forget that parents have to have empathy for themselves sometimes, too. Parenting is hard and we don’t always get it right and that’s ok. Being understanding and forgiving of ourselves makes us better at forgiving our children and others.”

Explain the concept of self-regulation.
“Before we can be good at recognizing the emotions of others, we have to be able to understand our own emotions. Parents sometimes tell children what they think they should or shouldn’t feel. They override them. If they are sad, angry, hungry, cold, or upset, some parents tell them ‘No, you aren’t,’ ‘Don’t be sad,’ ‘You have no reason to be angry,’ ‘You should be hungry, eat!’ Telling children how they should feel is not letting them learn to self-regulate their own feelings. As parents, we have to give our children trust so that they can learn about their own emotional boundaries. This builds a stronger sense of self, which is paramount to self-esteem down the road. When they are older they will be less afraid to say ‘no’ when their boundaries are pushed because they will trust themselves to make the right decision based on what they feel. This is such an important lesson to teach children. We can help them with the language use, but we need to trust them so they can trust themselves. Remember, there are no good or bad emotions. There are just emotions.”

Finally, what kind of stories can we read our children to help teach empathy?“Read all kinds of stories to children, not only happy ones. Talking about difficult emotions in books can be a fantastic way to build empathy. Many Danish children’s books are shocking by American standards with the topics they cover, but studies have shown that reading about all emotions increases a child’s ability to empathize. The original Little Mermaid, which is a Danish story, doesn’t get the prince in the end, but rather dies of sadness and turns into sea foam. That opens up quite a different kind of discussion! But it is incredible how receptive children are. They want to talk about all kinds of things. It seems to be more difficult for adults sometimes than for children. Remember, they are mirroring our discomfort. If we talk about life’s peaks and valleys in a non-dramatic way, our children will be more resilient in the long run. Books are a great way to teach empathy.”

tentei esconder-me atrás de um tremoço

«Em dois dias, já tentei a teletransportação para as Maldivas, tentei a alienação no fundo de um copo de tinto, tentei esconder-me atrás de um tremoço, tentei fingir, enquanto dormia, que os gritos das crianças eram bandos de meninos thaitianos a acelerar passo na beira mar. Mas quando me vi de novo a descamar o peixe, a pendurar o fato de banho encharcado, a escorregar no piso molhado dos pézinhos pequenos....chorei? Não. 

Gritei? Quase. Suspirei. É mais romântico e menos agressivo para as crianças. 

A malta dá sempre a volta: cozinha todas as vezes que eles comem, dobra todas as vezes que eles mandam para o chão, apanha sempre, classifica mergulhos com a autoridade de um professor de natação, enche copos como um barman em casamento, estende toalhas várias e domina todos os maus feitios. Mas quando me perguntarem onde estou, vou ter a honestidade de quem nutre um profundo amor próprio e às palavras: 

-Estou por aqui direi. 

De férias eu não estou.»

era MESMO isto que eu queria fazer+dizer+escrever há uns dias atrás, durante as férias.